I have nothing witty to say.

Sometimes a creative block overcomes even the best of the best.
I'm a musician. How many songs have I written this year? One. Last year? One. Maybe two. The year before that? One.

I still call myself a musician.

I am EXACTLY where you are at, except I will become 27 this year and I am still in California. I will write you when I get home from work. I am sorry to make you feel like a fucking person from HIGHSCHOOL... (fuck). I really am just genuinely concerned. Sorry(!!!)

OH and for some reason I see you happier, dancing :0)

i forgot to end with:

if you really are a writer, give it time. writing will come back to you and you'll be old friends again when she does. you'll hang out every night, and sometimes get drunk together, and one day you may need a place to stay and writing will even let you crash at her place. that's when you know you two are inseparable again.

You guys are beautiful.

Yokochan, you don't make me feel like a person in high school. Maybe it's that I never grew up. I hate seeing friends I knew in high school because I went to a private school and I feel like all my good Christian friends will judge me when they realise how liberal and free I have become.

I meant, sorry to make you feel like you were in one of those situations. You know- running into someone from Highschool on Myspace. You got asked the dreaded question of what it is you're doing these days? And then they go on to tell you what they figured you would end up doing, etc etc. I am just going to tell you this- be thankful that you're not as big as a house. Everyone I know has gained tremendous weight since Highschool. I know that sounds shallow, but it's something to smile about HEE HEE :0D But seriously, what is it that you truly want to do? You say you are an English major? Do you want to go into journalism? I can totally see you traveling and doing reports and being on tv. You should be on tv. Do you want to write for a magazine? Do you want to write a novel(s)? Do you want to write screenplays and direct movies? Do you want to teach???
I feel really bad that I made you feel that way, Mae. It really wasn't my intention. I kind of got that impression when I saw that you weren't responding to my inquiries... I don't want you to feel like you have to impress me with some elaborate summary of how good things are going. I just wanted to know how you are feeling right now- if you are happy, if you are lonely. How you are adjusting to the move, leaving California... that is all. I'm not going to judge you, dude. If anything, I think we live similarly parallel lives. And I admire you for picking up and leaving everthing you know- for love.

Oh, you are such a love. That's why i wrote a whole entry just to you.

How am I feeling now? Partly miserable because I have no direction in life and I feel like a loozah for that. And partly blah because I hate my job and my life merely consists of going to that job I hate and then directly afterward going to school or home and cooking dinner and being blah'd out and tired and emotionally exhausted at home and it makes nate disappointed in me. I feel like if I continue to disappoint him he'll leave me (another one of those things that I ended up with by being Pilipina and having my parents "encourage me" in fucked up ways like telling me I'll never be happy or married if I don't hcange my habits or get better or graduate on time or some fucked up bull shit like that). I'm always in some sort of emotional rut or another, doubting myself, feeling ugly, feeling like a failure. I'm lonely. I used to live a really social life, going out all the time, being surrounded by my best friends, and here in Detroit I only have Nate, and I know that making best friends like that here will take a lot of time and I feel listless thinking how long it'll take to make life-long bosom buddies like I had in CA. I feel a huge culture shock. more less of the actual culture here in Detroit, but more like I'm adjusting to living a life of a grown up when I'm still trapped in the mind of a kid.

I wanted to teach for awhile. I wanted to do music networking and writing for awhile. I wanted to write books. I still do. I love fashion, but I know nothing about designers. Journalism isn't for me. I don't have the balls for it. The problem is that I have no idea what I want to do. I know that I love writing, but if I can't motivate myself to pick up a pen at least a couple times a week, how can I make a living out of it when I might even hate it on a daily basis?

That's a depressing situation. Realising this. Sometimes I feel like such a little kid living in a grown up world I'm not prepared to be in. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have moved from CA.

But thank you for your words of encouragement. It's nice to know I have someone rooting for me on the other side of the country.

PS. I don't respond to inquiries right away because I buzznet while I'm at work, and I have to hide it from my boss... so I can only go on like once every three or so hours.

And I don't usually go online when I get home (unless I'm studying--which explains my activity lately

From what I see from you, I had the feeling that the move would be tough. I know you are very social and go out and I know that life "over there" is slow as fuck. My best friend moved from Cali to South Carolina (dot dot dot). She moved over there for her then boyfriend. She moved back, anyways and that's all done and over with- they married and divorced even--- but I'm not trying to scare you. That is a whole 'nother story. But I had a feeling that the change in envoronment and lifestyle was going to effect you.
What is it that is making you doubt yourself and feel low about yourself? From my experience I have learned that the only thing that holds us back is ourselves, ultimately. And you do have balls!! What are you talking about!?!? You picked up and moved thousands of miles away from home.
I was happy for you when I saw that you and Nate had found each other. Happy for the both of you, really. But I want to tell you (again, from experience) that it will take more than love for and from another to make you happy. Has Nate told you himself that he is disappointed in you or are you assuming? What is his advice to you? Sorry for the whole "I'm speaking from experience" shit, but I am only saying what I have learned these past few years and that I can totally relate to what you are going thru. Think about what it is that TRULY makes you happy...... and no need to appologize, don't want you getting fired. What is it you're doing anyways? Probably something not related to what you want to do, right? :0)